What is home? Home is that place that you come back to in the evenings. That lets your body relax and melt into the womb of your space. A space that reflects who you are. Home is a sleeping baby happy to merge back into its fathers arms. Home is the smell of the prairies and the wind on your face as your body realises it has arrived, back, safe and sound, Home again. For me home is a space that reflects me, who I am how I live my life.

For the last ten years I have been exploring home. What does that mean to me? I have lived in communal houses, worked as a woofer on farms, built yurts and lived in them, lived with my parents, moved in with good friends, spent time at a monastary. I have lived alone, I have lived with people, I have lived in walls so thin It was as if the song birds were perched on my shoulders as I slept.

One thing, through out this time that I have learned. Is that home, is where my heart settles. Home is not something that I chase and look for. But its right here within myself. Its the relationship I have with my life, friends, community, and family.

So, April first. I no longer have this gorgeous cabin to reflect back my womby comforts. I have decided to invest the money I would pay into rent into my life, so that I can be more of service to my community.

A marriage of Ideas.

Last year I spent two weeks in my parents trailer in Drumheller. I thought to myself at the time, I could do this, I could live in a trailer.

This year a friend advertised thier trailer for sale. Little did I know, these two thoughts, so far apart would marry.

Now here I am on the verge of purchasing a trailer.
Trusting deeply in the generosity of this world, somwhere in Victoria area is a property where I can settle into my home, with my dog mea.

I believen simplicity. I believen healing and building resiliant communities. I believe that I am here to be of service. I want to expand and encourage the work I am doing in my community. Mentoring boys, Lay counselling, mens work, and working with youth.

If you would be so kind to imagine who in your life might be open to offering a fella like me the opportunity to rest and expand his heart on thier property.

I am purposefully being slightly ambigous about the exact living arrangement I am looking for, so that I can let the magic of serendipity and the unknown do its work.

`true faith is a trust and conviction borne of expierience and the willingness to be open to all possibilities`

Rev mstr Jiyu Kennet

I am reading a really inspirational book. This book is called Crossing The Unknown Sea Work As A pilgrimage Of Identity By David Whyte. He is speaking to a population of people whom are tired, worn out and un – inspired by thier work. Through his work he intertwines a poetic vision of a world where our inspiration grows into and out of work.

I have arrived in a sticky place. No steady work, alot of ideas, and bills to pay. So with one leg in a vision of work that contributes to my well – being and my other leg in groveling to cover basic needs. So a part of me squanders aimlessly through adds with this ancient fear in me, a fear that follows me like a lost hungry dog. The other part of me loses all hope, gets tired of swimming upstream, lays me down on my knees, praying to the heavens to open doors into worlds I have not met.

Where will I find myself? Shoveling dirt and cleaning toilets for minimum wage? Or engaged in dynamic, well paying jobs that serve myself and the larger community?

Those of you that know me know that I am dedicated to being of service and dedicated to cultivating joy, compassion, and change. And in order to accomplish that, my roots have to be strong, nourished and supported. How does one find that balance in thier lives. I see it all around me a whole culture of people trying to find some Grace in work that takes up the larger part of our days. What have you done, what are you doing to grow into your work?

As I head into this, with trepidation and a big fat heart. I shake my fears. We now have to bring on the boys. The fathers, and the support of our community. How does one do this in three weeks. How does one tickle the feet and hearts of the people around them to inspire people with the inspirations and fire that has been lit within him. All of these questions, little time. I lay my trust down in a bed of embers, and I will sit back waiting, watching and blowing on them coals, untill the weekend that will change many of our lives wiether we know it or not.

Because as an old African Proverb says, `” IF WE DO NOT INITIATE THE YOUTH, THEY WILL BURN DOWN THE VILLAGE”

How do youth BURN DOWN THE VILLAGE in our communities. And what does that speak

And yes my question mark key is not participating today.

In kind,

Matty

www.boystomen.org

Tonight I head home to Victoria, to my friends, to my community, to where my heart rests…….

See y’all soon
In kind
Matty

Snappy title huh?

Its been awhile since I doddled on this page. Always on the list of to do`s but never quite making it ther. Life has been moving remarkably fast and I have a had a hard time making writing important. Another loose end to trip up on another passion to dream of in fleeting moments. Blame it on my Gemini. Or simply that I have learned to live fast and in the moment. I am not sure why but  alas, here I am. Humbled. By what I call “gods way of telling me to slow down”

Last Friday. Me and three friends embarked on a joyous adventure, bouncing on a trampoline. Playing crack the egg, bum drop, and other such games. My 230 pd friend came down on the outside of my leg. Tearing my medial tendon and ligaments (possibly). So alas my salt spring vacation was spent, having a great time hobbling around on crutches and learning really quick to ask my friends for help.

So now, its weds. I have to keep on asking for help, because my knee hasn’t gotten better. Less stiff but more pain. I am still here at 10:30 laying in my bath robe. I actually decided to not move around so much today. The last two days have been me getting driven by some good friends around to appointments, groceries, and my counselling sessions. I am so grateful that friends I see on a regular basis have offered support, friends I see less often, and friends I havent seen in a looooong time (via Facebook, godbless…haha)

I have been hobbling around like an old grandpa my roommate jokes about how this is the harbinger of my old age. “where’s my cane I hobble around the house asking?”

So its a stretch for me. Slowing down. Asking for help. Not feeling guilty for either of these. Taking my time. Walking slowly and trying to be productive at resting. I sit here, lay here with all the time in the world just passing by wondering why the fuck I dont do this more often. When did reading a book become so hard to fit in, or listening to a radio show, or cuddling for an hour nap with my dog? It’s these things that I miss when I am being dragged around by my to do list, or admittedly watching Dexter season four………….

I am so grateful to have the time right now to connect with my friends, to practicing asking for what I need, to slow down and smell the roses, to think a little more deeply about what I need to bring into my life.

So I got a call to hash out some details for hanging out with a fella next week. She asked about my leg. Then said hey I got this machine that has electrodes that I can put on you and it is used for injuries. Can I bring it over? Hell yeah!!

This is what I am talking about. Good friends that go out-of-the-way for one another, and don’t hesitate to ask for what they need and extend a helping hand. You in my mind are the best medicine a fellah like me could have. So please keep on keeping on. I will do my best to show up for you.

In gratitude and electrocution,

Matty

I am trying to see the truth, within my heart, and it feels like slugging through oily sand. Daze and daze of being with the fear, the pain, the anxiety of growth. My life seems to be filled with distractions, as much AS i LOVE My work ,cherish whats going on, this niggling thought, says sit with this quietly as much as you can.

It is what it is, I do what I do, I am gratefull for this life, and well perhaps I will feel greatfull for this suffering, down the road.

Where is that place?

Staring at the wall, its in the spaces in-between our words, its in the cracks of the walls, its annie the snake sitting patiently, its a cat basking in the sun, its a lone candle, some insense, a train of thoughts crashing through his skull…….into the night!

Love hard, love long

matty

This morning I am home sweet home.

A group of men and boys left the malahat mtn site yesterday afternoon. This group of Men and boys spent three days being real. Being honest and sharing the jewels of our spirits.

This weekend a group of men came together to take a group of boys, on a journey to find the begining of a path into manhood. 14 boys and 17 men supporting one another to get real, to tell the truth and to challenge ourselves to live huge. As the weekend toiled on, as the adventure, as the challenges, as the events unfolded, that little crack in our hearts started to widen, a little light started to emerge, and by saturday night we did not need the fire to light our way.

What I learned from this weekend is that we all long for a sense of blessing and being blessed in our lives. We all want connections outside of our intellectual capacity. We all have things bottled up inside ready to come out through our own story. Repression can not be quantified; mine is worse than yours is not as big as hers.

I heard it said on this weekend, “that I have a story, but its not like thier’s, its not as important.”

Rivers of sadness flooded my heart for this man.

Each one of us has a story waiting to unfold, waiting to be held by the hearts and ears of those willing to witness. Each story is as real, as alive and full of grace, as the next.

I encourage everyone to share the stories that are alive for them. I am hear to witness and to listen.

Three cheers to the boys and the girls whose open hearts will be the dreams of a new culture/ s.

Hip hop hurray

hip hop hurray

hip hop hurray

In Kind,

Matty

When I decided I was leaving my home of residence right now. I decided I wanted to move into a home, that was based on meditation and spiritual living. I wonder and wondered, how that would look and how it would grow in each one of us. It feels kind of larger than life, and full of potential. I am committed to my practice as a buddist. I am committed to personal growth. I am committed to being of service to all beings and all creatures on this humble planet. My fear stems from that commitment I may break with myself, the people that will serve as mirrors, the fear of disappointment if the unfolding and intimacy necessary to grow does not ripen into fruition. We know we want to find common ground in the spaces in-between us and finding out what that means to each one of us. We know we want to live in a sacred space, we know we want to support one another to grow, we know we want to laugh, to play, and to grow into new challenges.
This fear is my achy heart yearning to live fully and connect deeply with other souls. Its a healthy fear, with its stem rooted in my love and compassion for dear freinds and myself.

So three cheers to growing into ourselves fully and making the best effort we can.

This is my first intentional living experience. As I breath into it and watch it exspand.

Biglove,
matty

Sitting on the bus, half asleep remembering things I have forgotten, feeling heavy about committments I have brocken, feeling twisted by the unknown, feel angsty about some of the choices  I have made and some that others have made for me. Sometimes it feels like I begin a stew, and over the weeek I just keep adding to the stew, not to mention that I just feed it with heat. I broil it, I cook it, I fry it, steam it and then slowly it builds up, into a big juicey stew. I often feel like this, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Today I found myself stewing, and through relationships, and little graces(from freinds that dont even know they are gracing me)

I come back around to being gratefull I have such solid freinds, its take alot of work, and time and love to create that in my life. As everything does. A good stew, a good freindship, a good game of back gammon, whatever it be it takes time. I am learning to not see these stews as just a mish mash of overwhelming amounts of tastes in my life, but a well balanced meal for my soul. If I take the time to taste each part, and think about what I am putting into the stew. I soon realise I am making this stew on my own, its not just happenstance that all these ingrediants came together. It takes a certain amount of self-accountability-responsbility and action. I am slowly learning how to let my heart lead me through this. One mistake at a time.  I find myself tired and inspired. A coagulated self, when the inner milk starts to get a mushy, we/ you/ I KNOW its time to look at what rises to the surface, and why, did I leave it out on the counter to long?

With a stewing light

matty

http://feralgeographer.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/strategies-for-negotiating-oppressive-behaviour/

about our conversation we had early this evening, a talk with my friend Derek, and oh wait. a third writing this blog.

When I look deeply in my heart, writing sits there weeping, like a child who’s father comes in and out of his life, waiting for me to wrap myself around her and just let him know that he is loved.

I truly do love you writing.

These relationships that I have in my life are not mistakes, the connections I have made with each fleshy humyn animal in my life are of my choices that stem from this big ol’ ball of red fleshy heart. As challenging as they are, the wonder and beauty comes out in moments like sunshine that graces my face in times when I feel like a turd. I know that gods presence; the eternal, the hearts true voice, lord of the house and the less complicated ways of describing these moments( i don’t have any) is gracing my words and my actions.

This feeling comes and goes like the wind and the taste wears thin, and comes back fresh again. The feral geographer is rite(see the blog) our uncanny relationship feeds our souls and our hearts, challenges us to look deeper, deeper in the mind, and deeper in the heart. Sometimes we humyns fill in the blanks for one another, when I get to head strong, a heart comes by, and when I get to heart strong(can we get to heart strong?) a head comes by. Tonight we both were enlightened by our own words, going to the same place with different methods. A heart and a head(and when I say head I mean a thinkering head with lots of ideas)

Sometimes we get in our own way, and our friends are the mirrors that show us there is another way to see it.

Tonight Derek and I walked and talked, we were talking about integrity, responsibility, honesty, and action.

Through this I realize something. My heart is the brain that I must follow, when I can quiet myself down for just a moment, take a breath and really check in, my heart is my place of wisdom, sometimes/ most of the time, haha, it will take me places that are challenging, scary, and full of potential growth.

In my life right now, I have big choices to make in regards to moving, work, relationships, money, my health and spirituality. When I think about all of this my heart throbs. It wants to grow and expand and I make choices that lock it in a cage. However I make choices that allow it to grow and slowly stretch that cage, it seeps out the sides and oozes down my life.

What I realized is that its the choices I make. Simple, plan and simple choices. Will I choose to be honest today, with myself and others, will I choose to do my best?
If I choose not too you all are my mirrors, I see my own decisions and karma reflected back, when I take the opportunity to see clearly I can see the impact I have on the world around me.

I am learning this by simply fucking up alot, as my body ages, and my inner wisdom grows. I make mistakes and learn to take them with more grace each day, when I have a moment with god, I hold fast. I am learning to pray, to me the act of just giving myself to the unknown, just simply giving myself to my heart, my true nature and letting it drive in the drivers seat for awhile. Matty move over for your heart.

All of this I have garnished from the reflections of your souls, our friendships, and our meandering lives. Thank you I am grateful for these words and these moments they share in my heart and your eyeballs.

Big love from my fat heart to all of you creatures…
matty