Where is that place?

I Just wonder where that place of contentment is, its these days where I struggle with my ghosts, that I wish I could step out for awhile and move to a monastary. The classic, introvert dream. It will all be better, on the other side.

I am trying to see the truth, within my heart, and it feels like slugging through oily sand. Daze and daze of being with the fear, the pain, the anxiety of growth. My life seems to be filled with distractions, as much AS i LOVE My work ,cherish whats going on, this niggling thought, says sit with this quietly as much as you can.

It is what it is, I do what I do, I am gratefull for this life, and well perhaps I will feel greatfull for this suffering, down the road.

Where is that place?

Staring at the wall, its in the spaces in-between our words, its in the cracks of the walls, its annie the snake sitting patiently, its a cat basking in the sun, its a lone candle, some insense, a train of thoughts crashing through his skull…….into the night!

 

Love hard, love long

matty

First Western Canada Boys To Men – Rites Of Passage Weekend.

My heart wells up. Inside joy dances.

This morning I am home sweet home.

A group of men and boys left the malahat mtn site yesterday afternoon. This group of Men and boys spent three days being real. Being honest and sharing the jewels of our spirits.

This weekend a group of men came together to take a group of boys, on a journey to find the begining of a path into manhood. 14 boys and 17 men supporting one another to get real, to tell the truth and to challenge ourselves to live huge. As the weekend toiled on, as the adventure, as the challenges, as the events unfolded, that little crack in our hearts started to widen, a little light started to emerge, and by saturday night we did not need the fire to light our way.

What I learned from this weekend is that we all long for a sense of blessing and being blessed in our lives. We all want connections outside of our intellectual capacity. We all have things bottled up inside ready to come out through our own story. Repression can not be quantified; mine is worse than yours is not as big as hers.

I heard it said on this weekend, “that I have a story, but its not like thier’s, its not as important.”

Rivers of sadness flooded my heart for this man.

Each one of us has a story waiting to unfold, waiting to be held by the hearts and ears of those willing to witness. Each story is as real, as alive and full of grace, as the next.

I encourage everyone to share the stories that are alive for them. I am hear to witness and to listen.

Three cheers to the boys and the girls whose open hearts will be the dreams of a new culture/ s.

 

Hip hop hurray

hip hop hurray

hip hop hurray

 

In Kind,

Matty

Home sweet home

This may first. I am shifting my weight. I am shifting my feet. On May first I WILL open my doors to a new home, with new friends. Four of us venture forth into our own hearts colliding together under one roof. One beautifull roof. I am moving down the road, but it feels like I am moving into a new skin. We had our first house meeting at a coffea shop where we connected under the sun. Our minds and our souls gathering together to find our rythum our melody together. We talked about our intentions, and our excitement, our fear and our joy. I know for me shifting into this new skin is uncomfortable and scary, exciting and promising. A mixture of all of my past and well, present, living experiences coming together.

When I decided I was leaving my home of residence right now. I decided I wanted to move into a home, that was based on meditation and spiritual living. I wonder and wondered, how that would look and how it would grow in each one of us. It feels kind of larger than life, and full of potential. I am committed to my practice as a buddist. I am committed to personal growth. I am committed to being of service to all beings and all creatures on this humble planet. My fear stems from that commitment I may break with myself, the people that will serve as mirrors, the fear of disappointment if the unfolding and intimacy necessary to grow does not ripen into fruition. We know we want to find common ground in the spaces in-between us and finding out what that means to each one of us. We know we want to live in a sacred space, we know we want to support one another to grow, we know we want to laugh, to play, and to grow into new challenges.
This fear is my achy heart yearning to live fully and connect deeply with other souls. Its a healthy fear, with its stem rooted in my love and compassion for dear freinds and myself.

So three cheers to growing into ourselves fully and making the best effort we can.

This is my first intentional living experience. As I breath into it and watch it exspand.

Biglove,
matty

A coaglated self——-a short one for a tired guy stewing.

Heavy eyes tonight. A long day with a quick start. Dragging my boots into the sunset. Dragging my body onto the bus. Dragging my heart home.

Sitting on the bus, half asleep remembering things I have forgotten, feeling heavy about committments I have brocken, feeling twisted by the unknown, feel angsty about some of the choices  I have made and some that others have made for me. Sometimes it feels like I begin a stew, and over the weeek I just keep adding to the stew, not to mention that I just feed it with heat. I broil it, I cook it, I fry it, steam it and then slowly it builds up, into a big juicey stew. I often feel like this, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Today I found myself stewing, and through relationships, and little graces(from freinds that dont even know they are gracing me)

I come back around to being gratefull I have such solid freinds, its take alot of work, and time and love to create that in my life. As everything does. A good stew, a good freindship, a good game of back gammon, whatever it be it takes time. I am learning to not see these stews as just a mish mash of overwhelming amounts of tastes in my life, but a well balanced meal for my soul. If I take the time to taste each part, and think about what I am putting into the stew. I soon realise I am making this stew on my own, its not just happenstance that all these ingrediants came together. It takes a certain amount of self-accountability-responsbility and action. I am slowly learning how to let my heart lead me through this. One mistake at a time.  I find myself tired and inspired. A coagulated self, when the inner milk starts to get a mushy, we/ you/ I KNOW its time to look at what rises to the surface, and why, did I leave it out on the counter to long?

With a stewing light

matty

do do do the work within my heart – avolatkesara

Two moments of inspiration, roll out of me on this night. Reading my friends blog,

http://feralgeographer.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/strategies-for-negotiating-oppressive-behaviour/

about our conversation we had early this evening, a talk with my friend Derek, and oh wait. a third writing this blog.

When I look deeply in my heart, writing sits there weeping, like a child who’s father comes in and out of his life, waiting for me to wrap myself around her and just let him know that he is loved.

I truly do love you writing.

These relationships that I have in my life are not mistakes, the connections I have made with each fleshy humyn animal in my life are of my choices that stem from this big ol’ ball of red fleshy heart. As challenging as they are, the wonder and beauty comes out in moments like sunshine that graces my face in times when I feel like a turd. I know that gods presence; the eternal, the hearts true voice, lord of the house and the less complicated ways of describing these moments( i don’t have any) is gracing my words and my actions.

This feeling comes and goes like the wind and the taste wears thin, and comes back fresh again. The feral geographer is rite(see the blog) our uncanny relationship feeds our souls and our hearts, challenges us to look deeper, deeper in the mind, and deeper in the heart. Sometimes we humyns fill in the blanks for one another, when I get to head strong, a heart comes by, and when I get to heart strong(can we get to heart strong?) a head comes by. Tonight we both were enlightened by our own words, going to the same place with different methods. A heart and a head(and when I say head I mean a thinkering head with lots of ideas)

Sometimes we get in our own way, and our friends are the mirrors that show us there is another way to see it.

Tonight Derek and I walked and talked, we were talking about integrity, responsibility, honesty, and action.

Through this I realize something. My heart is the brain that I must follow, when I can quiet myself down for just a moment, take a breath and really check in, my heart is my place of wisdom, sometimes/ most of the time, haha, it will take me places that are challenging, scary, and full of potential growth.

In my life right now, I have big choices to make in regards to moving, work, relationships, money, my health and spirituality. When I think about all of this my heart throbs. It wants to grow and expand and I make choices that lock it in a cage. However I make choices that allow it to grow and slowly stretch that cage, it seeps out the sides and oozes down my life.

What I realized is that its the choices I make. Simple, plan and simple choices. Will I choose to be honest today, with myself and others, will I choose to do my best?
If I choose not too you all are my mirrors, I see my own decisions and karma reflected back, when I take the opportunity to see clearly I can see the impact I have on the world around me.

I am learning this by simply fucking up alot, as my body ages, and my inner wisdom grows. I make mistakes and learn to take them with more grace each day, when I have a moment with god, I hold fast. I am learning to pray, to me the act of just giving myself to the unknown, just simply giving myself to my heart, my true nature and letting it drive in the drivers seat for awhile. Matty move over for your heart.

All of this I have garnished from the reflections of your souls, our friendships, and our meandering lives. Thank you I am grateful for these words and these moments they share in my heart and your eyeballs.

Big love from my fat heart to all of you creatures…
matty

Hello world!

I honor myself and others through the written, this is what is alive in me.